Soldier Blog Post

The Hunt for the Hooah: Just Keep Swimming

July 24, 2010

Tags:  

intelligence-training  

Yesterday was a no good very bad day.

Yesterday made me a student in humility.

Yesterday made me want to hide me face.

Yesterday made me wish I didn't shake.

Yesterday showed me that there are no excuses.

I am a perfectionist to the core. During my junior year of high school, I cried for days because I got a B+ in English and it took me out of the running for valedictorian. During my senior year, when I was getting offered this scholarship and that scholarship from wonderful universities, I hid the fact that I had been wait-listed at my dream school, Georgetown. I've thrown entire baking experiments away because they don't look exactly like the picture. I can't stand it when I see a crumb. So you can imagine how I nearly lost it when I shot the worst I have ever shot yesterday.

My shakes were compounded by the fact that I've lost my appetite and I was terrified of being shown up by my peers. I was a second time go at zeroing. This was nothing new to me but having to retrain on shadowbox drills made me ashamed. I had to walk by entire class, M4 in hand, head hung. See, I'm not a bad shot. My groupings are tight, ridicoulously tight, but I know that I have a tendency to lose my sight picture. Anyway, first time qualifying and I could barely hold my weapon in the prone unsupported. Certain four letters words flooded my mind as my score was read off. Second time trying and I improved but it wasn't enough (that gives you an idea of how bad the first time was). Third time and that was it. Ammo was gone. The monsoon was moving in. My class was waiting.

I thought I shot at least a 30. My targets were going down! Yes! I wrapped the sling around my left arm as tight as I could to give me some tension to counter my shakes. I came off the range feeling good. I shot a 22. One shot short of qualifying. My throat tightened, I felt the tinge of tears in my eyes. I couldn't look up to face anyone. There they were, my entire class, my TAC NCO, all the cadre looking at me and I had failed. I walked away to turn in my magazines unable to comprehend my failure. I always am a first time go. I always shoot well. Why could I not do this? Am I that bad of a soldier?

Some of my peers tried to comfort me. Others told me I was ate up. I cleaned my M4 in silence when we got back to the Arms Room. I stayed in my hotel room last night so upset with myself. Shooting is a basic skill every soldier needs to have in their arsenal and here I was, another tool short. How can I be a leader and ask soldiers to exceed the standard when I can't even meet it? I truly felt like I didn't deserve my commission and stewed in self-pity for hours.

After getting some desperately needed sleep, I had a thought: I just need to keep swimming. I'm not going to win every battle. I can't expect to be the best at every. single. thing. But I can't let one instance set me back. I'll have to try harder. Feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me anywhere, in fact, it may get me sent home. So here's to a new week. Here's to the classmates who think I'm ate up, who think I know nothing. I can do this. Why? Because I've never given up on anything before in my life. I force myself to succeed because that's who I am. I'm a soldier, I'm an Officer, and more importantly, I'm me.

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The Hunt for the Hooah: Is it Somewhere on My Packing List?
July 22, 2010

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The Hunt for the Hooah: Let Me Shoot an Azimuth to It
July 31, 2010

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Comments

  • Dad

    Jul 24, 2010 4:21 PM

    LT, so you had a bad day at the range. In my 30 years in the Army I had many bad days at the range. It does not mean you are a bad Soldier. All it means is you had a bad day. It happens to all of us. Shame on the Soldiers who said you were ate up. And they call themselves Officers? Somebody failed to teach them about team work and Army Values, LDRSHIP. Listen, shake yourself off and keep hunting. Things will get better, stay positive, stay motivated. I am very proud of you.

    Have a Great Army Day... Hooah!

    Love Dad


    Reply

  • Jess

    Jul 24, 2010 9:31 PM

    Like you, I'm from Houston. I'm not old enough to enlist yet, but I know I want to.

    Anyways, just think of today as something you don't want to do again when you go back. Push yourself so you don't do it again. I know you can do it, us Texas girls are tough. We withstand 90-100 degree weather EVERY summer. Just push yourself and say "I can do this, I don't want a repeat of that day." All you have to do is motivate yourself and you WILL be able to do it. And forget what the others say, their day will come.

    You're in my prayers. Best of luck!!

    Jess


    Reply

  • Josh

    Jul 27, 2010 1:06 PM

    I will take a different approach. While I feel for you for what happened at the range...and let's face it, it can and has happened to the best of us...I think you have been setting yourself up for failure a bit here. At this stage in the game almost everyone you are in OBC with is a perfectionist, was almost valedictorian, or were offered scholarships of some sorts. By mentioning the "shakes" and that you are "always a first time go" you are almost building in an excuse for what happened. Additionally, and this is simply my opinion only, stating things like "Perhaps it's the former NCO in me..." doesn't help your situation...not in the arena that you are currently in. You should be very proud that you made the rank of E5. However, when becoming an E5 in the reserves and then almost immediately making the switch to a 2LT in about 9 months, that doesn't leave you much time and/or experience to practice your trade as an NCO. Even at best...let's say you did your one weekend a month for 8 months (3 days each) and your AT during that time (14 days or so)...you spent about 40 days in uniform as an NCO. It doesn't make you less of an NCO...but most people at OBC will just not be that impressed with your particular experience (know I wasn't when dealing with two or three individuals with a similar experience), and when you throw it out there it gives the naysayers ammunition to throw back in your face when you don't succeed.

    None of this makes you a bad Soldier or Leader. What you are learning there is that while you are still in a class environment, these classes are to prepare the individual officer to lead our great men and women in the military. This is the time to learn all you can, and to push your personal learning curve to the maximum. You should always help a Soldier/Officer when you can...that is what we do in the military...but in this case it cannot be to the detriment of your own personal learning curve. The Soldiers that you will lead in the future deserve the very best you, their platoon leader or future company commander, have to offer.

    These classes are meant to push you, as a leader, and teach you not only how to deal with stressful situations, but also with personal conflict. So some of your classmates think you are "ate up" or don't hang out together as a collective group. Who cares. Find the individuals that fit your leadership style and personality and learn everything you can from them. I promise you that you will look back and laugh someday at what you once considered a "bad day". Someday, there is a good chance you will be forward deployed overseas in some pretty hospitable territory where your Soldiers lives will hang in the balance over decisions that you will ultimately make. That is where you will find out what a bad day really is.

    I wish you the best...and keep fighting.


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